Paranoia

I'm here stuck in the middle of the day. It is 3:00pm and almost all are gone from their seat to fill their empty stomachs in the pantry. With one hand supporting my chin, I'm tired, bored and hungry and yet I don't feel the urge to get up and march away from this isolation room for while. Just infront of the screen, I dare not to open my folders and update my checklist. I wanna smash my calculator. And if this paranoia strikes in, I find myself in monologue.

You wanna ask anyone from your office, "hey what's keeping you stiff after all this time?". Are you still afraid to laugh or your work demands you to zip your mouth and work by your eyes and your fingers.

If we are about to view ourselves, we are just nothing but somehow a batch of petrified souls waiting to be fed by their masters. We work had because we needed money and we shoud keep going because we are still alive. And we begin to question the system, on how to gauge a person's capacity to do computations in a speed of a second.

You belittle yourself because you felt that you were just thrown accidentally from outerspace. This makes you an alien. And here comes, a little questioning about yourself. What has become of you? Why aren't you happy, and why are you here in the first place? Okay, somebody told you are like this. NO. How dare they say that, when you don't even know yourself. You begin, to feel a little distant because you just don't want to waste your time with nonsense. Your building a shield against hurt and annoyance and you think being alone is the answer. And you begin to enjoy talking people whom you dont even see you once in a while. And you find passionate about long distance love that costs you plane tickets and absences from work. And you enjoy your room to be closed all the time. What about all of these? What you think is normal isn't normal to me. Would you have called me a dracula if I enjoy my curtain to hang loose all the time?

You wanted to open up to others, but somethings must rather be kept and unsaid. You're beginning to disown your body and curse your mind for hating the way your brain peripherals weave thoughts. Yes, this chronic mental sickness shall temporarily pacify if there are vacant and unchartered cliff nearby where you can shout and scream at the top of your lungs while no one bothers to listen and nobody has an idea that you are talking to yourself.

It is only within yourself, that does not feel tired of listening because its is already deafened by your recurring sarcasms and madness when others shut their ears.

Sorry no more bad trip notes again...

Here

I know I wasn't supposed to push and minced my dried brain to write into something I wasn't sure about. If these hands of mine were a feet I already stumbled into corners and alleys and even went far a shore, to gaze and sit upon. But I'll be heeding the echoes at the back of my head to say something and let the nugget clogged up inside to just let it flow and melt it out.

I wanted to ran accross the miles and over the seas. I wanted to burst out. Cry and heal.

That year 2009 was a blessing and with days that I should taken into consideration. How the waves have moulded and destroyed my human clad shield have instantly change the course of my steer. I don't want to ask for anything shimmering splendid nor promise to do for somethings when we know that the winds may sometimes not favoring us.

Like a bamboo, just a strength to sway and go with the wind, and not a twig that easily breaks.

the battle

hurting inside....is this what ive got from loving? this is rediculous. she's swearing again. the guy on the other end was asking if was it a heinous crime to fall asleep for more than 14 hours starting from the afternoon until the sun rises the following day ..he's dead tired from work and he just forgotten to poke his gf a message 'hey get ur ass to bed, im already dead by now"...and his gf's litanies are unstoppable, he was thinking of hammer and nails as he was reading her messages. he strangled his phone to eternal "off mode" and he went back to sleep, meanwhile, the girl was swinging through and fro from their usual hang-out (YM) waiting for her bf to gave her a buzz yet no one popped up in her monitor, her intuition might be real, he might be off somewhere with his friends, or could it be he was drown with one glass of tsunamis. she was real mad. she could feel st elmo's fire coming out from her nostrils.

sweet november

"i said it was over...", the message send shivers down to his spine, i could hardly see the look on his face but all i hear is his long deep breath, he was tired hearing all of these, and so did i. he became silent as I keep on telling those words. the cries are like sorrows among the tolling bells at 6pm. so sad and bleak. he lit up and finished his last cigarette. he began to hug me for the last time. It was warm, the kind of hugs I used to grow up for several years. i miss him, i miss him more than my mind and body thirsts every inch of his lips, i want him badly like i wanted to tuck him everywhere i can. now what i hear in that room is the chasing of hand clocks, along with the reverberating sound of my sobs and his pleadings. it began to flood with tears while i rested my dozing head in his naked shoulder. i wanted to wash away, like i never wanted to wake up seeing him fleeing this room with him is a dying heart..he stared at me closely, seeing the corners of my face as if this would be the last time that he'll be seeing me again. my sadness and pain burst as i trailed his face with soft kisses. all i wanted is to freeze the time that well never think of tomorrow and rewinding all the things we surely missed. the delirous taste of his mouth and the way i used to jerk when he tickles my nape with his kiss. the siopao and ice tea shared together when were running out of pennies. the reo speedwagon on his loud stereo, the long walks we took when were hunting for something we couldn't find. the countless times we used to laugh at his mother's knocking on the door while we were there sneaking kisses in their living room.

all these i could not forget, the way he stood dumbfounded waiting after my yelling and screaming. subsides. the way he fetch and pick me up on heavy rains..the countless times he almost slam the wheels for picking me up in my after work outpost detours. how until now i missed his calloused hands, wounded and hardened by day's fixing other car's and engines and how these hands become so soft and tender everytime he comb my hair and pinch my nose. i missed him so much. i missed him telling those words everynight before i sleep that im the most beautiful girl hed ever loved...

The City that can never sleep

It took me a week to be at my twinkling mood and post the sidetrips I made in the Capital City of the Philippines. Last week was the most gruelling week I had after launching my corporate ass in a new company where I have nothing to do but to face numbers and schedules and process Singaporean payroll. We had a one week orientation and system simulation and this has eaten my zest to blog and paint rainbows for my poetry.

I have been to Manila twice now. First was my unlucky final interview with Monde Nissin and now meeting with awesome people from Southern Luzon who were also attending the Y4IT or Philippine Youth Congress for Information Technology held at the UP Theather in Quezon City. But before exploring the vastness of Manila-tude. Let me recall my scariest flight I had with Zest Air which I nearly wanted to freak out. How would you feel when you were in the cloud top and you already thought you were somewhere in Romblon but the captain just manuever the plane back to Mactan for a technical issues. Only then we realized that the plane had to be refueled. I was wondering if they were mistakenly filled a Zest-O instead of a jet fuel.

Even before our plane touched down, drizzle and frequent rains swept most parts of Manila. Nothing has changed with the busy corners of the street filled with panic cars, sirens of police patrol, annoying PUJs and the monster engine hums of MRTs. From Pasay our pack move to Taft to take the MRT to our destination in Cubao. Inside my mind whirls for something...

I felt an unexplained fear and excitement to huddle among the commuters to scout for better seats and aisles. In a place where strangers are being held together from their myriad of thoughts, we could never guess, out there among the passengers someone is weeping inside, or a jubilation crowns on those bald headed plain looking "tatay". Or might there be that guy standing next beside my partner is in a hurry to get a next ride to catch his date on time. There's a battle taken place. It's a fight between mankind and time and how we can beat the means to scour food to our children and family.

The hotel where we stayed lies somewhere in Cubao and is like staying in the corners of Pelaez St and P.del Rosario here in Cebu City. During my first night, I couldn't sleep well, I wasn't used to the noise of vehicles and yells of the sleepless people in the streets inviting passengers to ride in their jeepneys or vendors selling balut and even heavy traffic still exists even at the wee of the hours.

The business district is very booming from the sidewalks, to the carenderias and up to the fast food chains line one after the another. Everyone is chasing time. Avoid walking limply while traversing the traffic junction because traffic lights and MMDA personnel are to no use to the raising neurons of the drivers. Cubao has many shopping malls and establishments standing few meters away from one another. Few blocks away stands SM Cubao and few walks to go is Farmer's Plaza and there's Gateway and there's Ali Mall and Araneta Coliseum and the list is unstoppable for coffee shops and bars and foodshoppes. One thing I have to remind myself when in Manila, never act that your a stranger in a no man's land or let the taxi driver know that you came down south from Bicol, Cebu or Mindanano because the moment they decipher the way your Tagalog twang swayed they will eventually unplug the meter and forced you to pay 700 for the fare. Be wise as a travellers especially dealing with the cab drivers.

As for my Bisaya language, no one dared to have the skeptical look or ask another "ano po?" everytime I ask a guard for directions in Cebuano. They have understood me and gave me the correct floors and corners.

At that moment, I waved goodnight at the starless sky. How much I delighted to see his eyes beaming with happiness while he held my hand and took my fears away in the city that can never be tame.

rain anthologies

woke up from a deep slumber after a muscle wrought laundy spree with my mother. rains come and go, they are in their unusual temper these days and i just saw flying pieces of g.i sheets from the corners of our neighborhood. broken branches of trees and shirts falling from the clothesline are scattered everywhere. and children, yes in their unguarded moments of youth. of freedom and joys are treasures. the rains, the winds, how i wish to go outside and run to feel every drop of rain that falls in my skin.

its chilling outside. so cold that all you wanted to think of is being numb. and thinking about yourself as someone as hard like a stone that you don't want to feel the the hurt that you have caused to someone you have loved before. im wondering how is he right now. now that's what i get upon hearing twilight sonatas of basil valdez' kastilyong buhangin. hayyy :(

Rainy days

Kalaay sa payag 'day Toyang,

kadugay maimpas sa atong utang

dia nihubag na sad akong bag-ang

naghulat sa pagtuang sa uwan.